STAGE 1:  THE BUILD-UP
Characterized by a lot of pressure and demands on the victim.  There will be “minor” battering incidents and/or verbal and emotional abuse over imagined or real infractions of “rules” and expectations of the abusive partner.  The victim sometimes responds calmly, trying to de-escalate the situation, or she may attempt to defend her position in the relationship.  They may both rationalize away the abusive behavior as stress-induced due to work or finances or jealousy because of his intense “love” for her.  She believes she can control the violence by accommodating the abuser’s preferences that she see less of her friends and family and allowing the abuser completely to dominate various aspects of her life.  She may acquiesce to the demand she prove her love by agreeing to live together, mingling their assets, getting pregnant, loaning money, quitting her job, allowing him to make major purchases using her credit, or giving up her car.  The length of time the batterer spends in this tension-building stage each time varies greatly from relationship to relationship.  For some, it may be days or weeks; for others, years, but when a victim has been through the cycle a few times, she begins to realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with her behavior.  Rather, it is controlled by the batterer.  It is during this tension-building stage that women often will reach out for help or support since they are aware of the increasing danger.  But, other than services designed specifically for battered women, many communities do not recognize her need at this stage since there is no “evidence of violence.”

STAGE 2:  THE INCIDENT
No controls are left as the inevitable result of escalating tension and rage brings out the most abusive violence.  While technically this stage can be anything from throwing a plate of food against the wall to destroying objects of sentimental value, to a threat to harm a pet or commit suicide, to physical/sexual/ emotional abuse, most often this is an acute battering incident distinguished from other kinds of incidents by the intensity of the discharge, the major destructiveness, and the extreme emotional release at its most negative.  This is where the incident may be a crime, the police are called, and the batterer is arrested and jailed.  As she senses this violence coming on, the women’s apprehension may increase her anxiety and depression.  She may even attempt to trigger her batterer’s explosion to get it over with.  This phase usually is the briefest.

STAGE 3:  THE HONEYMOON
The batterer may become very loving and exhibit tremendous kindness and remorse.  He will apologize and promise never to do this again.  He will bring medicine/bandages, give flowers, gifts purchased with the victim’s money which are too expensive.  Everything is designed to hook the victim back into the relationship, to keep her from leaving him which would result in his loss of control.  Here is where he will begin to give the victim what he has withheld (or give back what he took away) during the many incarnations of Stage 1.  He tells her she’s beautiful and a wonderful mother; he gives back the credit cards and permission to drive the car; he is suddenly supportive of her plan to go back to school or get a job; he says he will get a job and stop drinking; he’ll go to counseling, to church, and spend more time with the kids.  If he has borrowed money, this is where he will promise to pay it back.  If they have never had a truly intimate relationship, this is the moment he will choose to reveal some painful childhood story or confide some problems at work. He tells the victim that he’s never been in love like this before which is why he is so out of control but that he will change.  He turns into the person she fell so madly in love with and she clings to this image with a desperate hopefulness that the moment will last.  It is during this stage, when she really doesn’t want them, that most counselors and other services become involved.  The fact is, if the relationship has endured long enough (several years), the honeymoon stage eventually disappears altogether.  It is an artifice no longer needed.  The batterer simply segues directly from acute battering to business as usual; the tension building of Stage 1.

STAGE 4:  GAS LIGHTING
Often the “honeymoon stage” will evolve to gas lighting as a perfect segue to Stage 1 again or gas lighting may replace Stage 3 altogether.  This is where the batterer will express denial about the severity of the incident or deny the occurrence altogether.  In every event, however, the acute battering incident is the result of the abusive partner’s choice to be violent even though he inevitably will state that she caused the loss of temper, that she “pushed his buttons,” or that she was out of control.  The hallmark of a batterer is never to accept responsibility for his own actions, and it is the hallmark of the battered woman to take the responsibility onto herself, especially if she has actively participated in triggering the episode or done something physical in self-defense.  He may tell her she tripped and fell, that she was drunk, and why doesn’t she remember, why is she trying to put the blame on him.  The battered woman will begin to doubt her own memory.  Her trauma may be so severe and his isolation of her so complete, she thinks she might very well be going crazy.